Calm Assertion not Fiery Aggression

Understand Yourself to Assert Yourself Calmly and with Confidence


We have a huge impact – the words we use, the actions we show and the values we model.

Hold up that mirror to get self-aware and honest about how anxious you are – the heavy work is in understanding yourself. Where it comes from, the trauma that you carry and whereabouts in your body that manifests – “your issues are in your tissues”. Understanding this is a lifelong, ongoing job.


Knowing in your head what you want to have happen, and then how that translates into reality, are two different things!

We hear all the things we want to say in our head but when we are in certain situations or around certain people, we blush. We choke. We fumble. We get flustered. Then we get angry or upset and it all goes tits up. 

Here I want to give you a few tips on how to assert yourself in a really calm and focused way. We want calm assertion, not fiery aggression

Like everything, this comes from within in the long run. The more confident, the more assured, the more OK you are with yourself and your point of view – the easier this will be.
It may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but this is part of your journey.  

Let’s look at a real Tricky Person scenario where you want to better assert yourself.  

assertion not aggression


Here are some questions or pointers for you to reflect on, in areas of your life where you don’t feel ‘in control’ or don’t feel heard, understood, appreciated, or valued. 


Where or with whom do I want to assert myself more?

What is currently stopping me, what comes up for me or gets in the way?

When have I tried to assert myself here before, what usually happens?

What patterns of behaviour can I see in myself?

What is it about this person, circumstance, or situation that is triggering me? Why is that?


What exactly is it that I want to have happen?

What is it I want to say?

How do I want this conversation to happen?  

Where do I want to be? 

What emotional and energetic state do I want to be in?

How do I want to behave?  How do I want to act? 

What would I like to say?

How do I want the other person to think and feel?

What reaction do I ideally want?

What other responses might I get?

How will I deal with those?


Now take five minutes and visualise the exact scenario you would like to manifest. 

Picture yourself in the state that you want to be in, saying the things that you want to say, the words you want to say, being in your desired state. Picture these words having the exact reaction that you want them to have on the other person.

 When you imagine this scenario make sure that you’re very aware of how the other person is reacting, it’s important that you aren’t just all in your own head and that you’re emotionally aware of the
responses around you.

This will stop you over-thinking and it will help you to gauge whether your messages are landing as you wanted them to.  

Play this scene through in your mind a couple of times. How does that feel?


Now it’s time to plan when and where this conversation is going to happen! 

It is important to remember to make yourself as
calm as possible before this conversation takes place. So, whether that be 
Heartful Breathing exercises or a short meditation, or some exercise – do what
you can to make sure that you are relaxed and comfortable and feeling good
before you have the conversation.

Calm Assertion is part of the 6 Proven Steps to Connecting Heartfully

Wendy xxx

The Heartfulness Coach

PS I have a FREE Mum Power Pack which will really help with calm assertion. Click Here. 

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